• If they're married or single

• Size of the family- how many others have demands

• Where the child is in birth order - if they're the youngest or oldest it's harder

• How nice or dreadful it was having them around this past summer - they often help us separate

Here's what some of the other parents are experiencing:

• Walking past an uncharacteristically neat kids bedroom or seeing baby pictures brings on waves of nostalgia

• Bursting into tears in the grocery store because you no longer have to buy the low fat cereal they required

• Missing the dinner table discussions about their week and complaining about homework, teachers and friends

• Feeling off balance because your time clock always revolved around their day

My advice?  Have a good cry - no, have a few good cries.  You're life has just shifted. But also pat yourself on the back.  You've done a terrific job and your baby is moving on. 

Then sit back and see what the world has to offer, whether it's tango, language lessons, long walks on the beach, a new career, or a trip to Paris - go for it.

Let me know how it's going for you, what's hard and what's fantastic.  Much love to you throughout the process.

The youngest of my three children is heading out in the fall, and I've been thinking back on my other two angels and how they definitely did what they could do to make our separation easier the summer prior to leaving. It reminded me of when they were 2 years old and went back and forth between being defiantly independent and running into my arms for comfort, reassurance and love. So take heart - they'll help you through the process by becoming as difficult as possible.

At a recent workshop I held on "Empty Nesting," many questions arose about what parents could do in the final few months to best prepare their children for college. Everyone worried about their first year away. All worried if their children would:

• Make friends, or want to come home the first semester.

• Survive academically, or lose that 3.0 grade-point average auto insurance discount.

• Wake up in time to go to class, or need mom to call every morning to make sure they were up.

• Be able to stick to a budget within the boundaries agreed upon.

• Be smart enough to avoid public intoxication and passing out, or if dad should install a video camera on the child's baseball cap or purse.

And, more importantly, can they survive without mom and dad, and can we survive without them?

In general, you've had 17-18 years to instill ethics, behavior and values in your child - they are fully baked in who they are. To avoid future friction, experts recommend that you sit down ahead of time and outline your expectations. You know your child best, so figure out the ideal time and place for such a discussion - over breakfast, while skiing, at a family meeting or perhaps in the middle of the night when they are most vulnerable.

Important areas to discuss include:

• Finances. Alison Salisbury from Fiscally Fit, who works with clients with college-age children, told me about one client's daughter who was consistently overdrawn because she didn't understand that when she took cash out of the ATM, the balance might not include the most recent charges. Each overdraft cost approximately $35. It mounts up. Your students need to understand the responsibilities and basics of banking and charge accounts. They also need to know what you will cover versus what they will be responsible for.

• Laundry. Make sure they know how to run a washer and dryer. You would be amazed how many new bright-red T-shirts still make it in with the whites. Of course, tie dye is still popular on many campuses.

• Food. Teach them how to cook at least one basic meal, even if it's Top Ramen in a microwave. And yes, pizza is a complete protein and can be eaten for breakfast.

• Academics. Let them know your expectations and how low they can go on the grade scale before there are ramifications from you as well as from their school.

• Social life. Use the time to discuss drug abuse (alcohol and pharmaceuticals), and include a refresher course on birth control - whichever method you support.

• Medical. Make sure your child has had the Hepatitis B vaccine, as well as Menactra, a newer vaccine for meningitis, specific to the strain that appears to haunt the halls of college dormitories. Review their regular prescriptions, if any. It's also a good idea to review the insurance offered through the school. Often the school has a better policy for on-campus clinic needs, then your insurance works as a backup. It's smart to send a first-aid kit.

• Weight. Warn your children about the dreaded "Freshman 15" - the 5- to 15-pound weight gain many students experience during the first year of college. A gentle reminder could encourage them to eat healthfully.

• Counseling. It's good to see the kinds of counseling the college offers in case of problems with depression, weight, substance abuse or relationships.

• Packing. Review the supplies list for the dorms, and prepare students for what they can and cannot fit in their new small space. Everything on the floor at home will not fit in their new closet space.

• Communication. When will they hear from you and how often do you expect to hear from them? Clarify whether you expect a response on your text or voicemail, and which method you want them to use to contact you back. Remind them how quickly they respond to their friends and that you expect the same courtesy.

With any luck, you and your child will survive the first year. Some get through it easier than others - but as a parent, it never hurts to be prepared. So give them a pat as they go out the door and keep an eye on them from afar. But just like baby birds, some take to flight easier than others. Eventually they all learn to fly. Now we parents are free to spread our wings again and start to plan the next great adventures in our lives.

My mom and dad were part of the east coast surge for California after WWII.  My dad, from Syracuse, New York had returned to California because he'd loved his basic training at Fort Ord in Monterrey.  Mom was from Ohio but had been sent to Hawaii to run a YWCA camp in 1944, she came back through California and never returned east.

That left us with relatives far away, that we didn't see that often. Dad died at fifty and it took me many years before I reconnected with the one remaining cousin in Syracuse.  My mom's family in Ohio all died out except for one crazy string of 5 cousins that we're still in touch with.  When my mom and Aunt Helen (their mom) passed away -  they took the "relative gathering glue" along with them.  We see them occasionally when there's a wedding. It's hard to step in and recreate what my mom had.  Her parents each had 11 siblings.  She had over 100 cousins spread throughout Ohio. The Holl reunions at Uncle Dewey's farm were legendary .

My first marriage was to an only child with absolutely no relatives.  I don't know what I was thinking.  Second time around, I hoped to find someone who was a good fit for my kids who also brought family with him.  This is tricky of course because even when they have families, it doesn't mean they are a cohesive, dependable or loving group.  Or that they are that motivated to make you part of what family they've managed to hang onto through life's challenges.  One can't create what was never there.

With my youngest heading out to college in the fall, and the empty nest looming, it's a reminder that family is what you make it, and a result of the effort that you put into it.  One day I will demand many grandchildren.

I'm off to call my cousins and see what's happening in the land of humidity and fireflies.  What's your summer family adventure? I'd love to hear your thoughts, plans and from your experience.

Best of all, very soon, I won't have make dinner every night.  Did you know that if you calculate the meals you've made for your kids over a 15 year period it's a whopping 11,700 meals?   No wonder we need a nap.

I looked back at my notes from a Letting Go Workshop I did last February to see what I'd listed for pro's and con's - of becoming an empty nester.

Pros

Less feeding!
You don't have to be there to prep every meal, anticipate what's not in the fridge, and provide the right foods. If they're going for the freshman 15, they'll do it on their own.  If you want to diet, it's a whole lot easier when you're not dishing up platters of pasta.

More sleep!
You don't have to wait up late at night until they get home. Now if they're not in, you'll never know it.  Hmmm, maybe we'll never sleep anyway.

Travel!
Now you can lock the door and go out of town, you don't have to worry about wild parties in your house or phone calls from the local law enforcement folks.  Hopefully if the law visits it's because of one of YOUR wild parties.

Now the Cons

No more good night kisses-
But well.... for many of us it's been awhile anyway.

Less noise in the house-
Let's see, is that a pro or a con...It is a lot quieter, no one is letting you know that family is there and someone still needs you.  And of course no teen music to keep you current. You're on your own for meaningful iPod updates.  May as well revert to Stravinsky.

Missing the little boys and girls that were-
But then, they've pretty much disappeared anyway. Just little hints of who they were - when they need us.  Remember when they would get excited to go to the movies with us?

Ultimately - the intense mother and father mode is over.  The "me" and "us as a couple" modes are back.  You can be first on your list for the first time in 20 years.  Just like the pre kid days.  So party on!  Watch for my blog on reinventing your relationship next week.

This is a short list; tell me what pros and cons are top of mind for you....

First - to get us rolling, I reviewed what foods contribute to passion.  A bit off topic but VERY interesting - and everyone stopped talking and paid attention.  Here's a list with a few surprises:

Almonds - the scent of almonds is purported to excite women - which is why it's used widely in soaps and creams.  Be careful you're being manipulated! Also, didn't Sherlock Holmes say that people poisoned with Cyanide smelled like almonds???  Be careful.

Asparagus - apparently has a long history as a stimulant.  In France in the 19^th century it was customary for a bridegroom's last mean before his wedding to have three courses of hut asparagus! Yum.

Avocado - the Aztecs called this fruit ahucati (which is the name of a particular hanging part of the male anatomy). Later, the Spanish actually spread the word about its stimulating power. Catholic priests forbade indulging in its green flesh.

Bananas - hmm, what can I say here. We'll skip the shape comments and talk about an alkaloid compound 'bufotenine' (named for Joey Butofuco?) in bananas which is supposedly a sex drive booster.  Legend has it that the serpent that tempted Eve his in a bunch of bananas - wonder what legend that is.

Carrots - not only good for they eyes, the ancient Greeks said every inch of a carrot is rich in aphrodisiac properties.  They ate the roots, seeds and greens when prepping for orgies.

Celery - apparently in Sweden the stimulating effects of Celery are well known.  The author Hagdahl described it as 'straightforward arousing'.  The seeds are especially potent - be sure to drop them into breads or salad dressing when the mood moves you.

Chocolate - of course, this is the queen of aphrodisiacs.  Casanova was said to be a serious chocolate addict, always enjoying a truffle or two before   his amorous adventures.  This too was once banned in monasteries.

No matter what passion enhancer you might use, the point is - once you no longer need to nurture your family to feel fulfillment - what do you do with your life?  What gives you the same level of dedication, satisfaction, joy, and purpose?  Who do you want to be in the next phase of your life?  How do you become clear on what you really want - so you can move toward attaining it?

One simple but very helpful exercise is from the Passion Test by Janet Atwood.  She asks readers to finish the following sentence:  When my life is ideal, I am _______.    For some it's easy to complete the sentence, for others - it was surprisingly difficult.  There's no limit to how many you can write down, there's also no limit to "how" you would accomplish it, just the "what" you would like to be or do.

Tips:

• 1) Begin your phrase with a verb that relates to being, doing or having.
• 2) Write at least ten (more if you'd like).
• 3) Close your eyes and picture your ideal life. What are you doing? Who are you with? Where are you? How do you feel?
• 4) Don't censor or limit your ideas, you don't need to know the how, just the what.
• 5) It will be easier if you don't consult with anyone, this is about the things that light your fire, go deep inside and connect with what is truly the most  important to you.
• 6) Don't take the test as a couple, later you can share your passions with your spouse or partner.
• 7) Best to do this in one sitting. It should only take twenty to thirty minutes. It's fine to go back and revise.
• 8) Write short clear sentences, avoid combining several passions in one such as "I am enjoying my ideal relationship, traveling the world first class and living in a beautiful home overlooking the ocean" Break each passion down and list it separately, e.g. I am traveling the world first class.Here are some examples (it's ok for yours to be much wilder):
• When my life is ideal, I am writing successful mystery novels
• ...working in a nurturing environment with lots of plants and light
• ...spending lots of quality time with my family
• ...enjoying perfect health
• ...becoming the next Secretary of State

Give it a try and let me know what you come up with.

Please join us, raise a virtual glass to our new endeavor, and toast all of our futures as successful and happy empty nexters.

Empty nesters are looking for smaller houses or apartments that no longer have a pool and a big yard (and the maintenance required!), so they can spend their time traveling or taking classes and enjoying what the world has to offer - not just in the back yard.

The perception is that if you hang on to the big house it may encourage the kids to come home after college. This may be fine for awhile but by the time the third one moves home you'll know there's a problem. It's a gentle reminder to your kids that while there will always be a place for them, don't get too comfy.

Everyone has a slightly different idea of what an empty nest and scaled-down solution may look like. Realtors recommend that when you find an area that is attractive to you, it's best to test it for awhile. Renting is a wise option to make sure it's a fit as cities can also be very busy with loud traffic, skateboarders and sirens - a big change from the quiet of the 'burbs.

The exact number of empty nesters moving back to town is hard to estimate. Some have already rented or purchased a small second home, to sneak off to on weekends or holidays. Others, make the choice to take the leap and move "lock, stock & barrel" to the new mini castle. According to a study published by William Frey, a leading demographer from the Brookings Institution, cities across the nation have experienced increases in their pool of 55- to 64-year-olds, most apparent in places such as Portland, Oregon, which has seen an increase of 92% in this demographic, and Washington, D.C., which has seen a similar increase of 81%.

Empty nesters who are now free from the costs of child care, college (hopefully), and kid related extra-curricular activities, now find themselves able to sell the former family home and apply the money to a downtown apartment that was previously too expensive.

Many find the change refreshing. If you have a leak, call the landlord. If the heating's out, call the super. Apartment living offers an ease of living that you won't get in a single home. But there are many other differences that the urban nester encounters. In the burbs, you might encounter similar family types, income levels and ethnic groups, while urban communities take you back to a more diverse environment. Very much like when you first got out of college. Walking through Union Square in San Francisco will surround you with colorful and different languages, cultures and styles. And of course the fact that you can walk to your favorite café rather than drive makes a huge difference in time and effort. You've become a pedestrian again. Save the BMW for weekend trips to the wine country.

Many empty nesters choose to greet their new phase of life in stages. Giving up the house you've occupied for the past 20 to 30 years, a house filled with memories of childhoods left behind and families diminished, is no easy task.

Urban developments are now being targeted at empty nesters, who want access to the symphony, the opera, theater and restaurants. These people aren't coming downtown to rough it. Apparently, wherever empty nesters go, the boutiques and service industries follow. Empty nesters not only benefit from the urban renaissance, they also contribute to it. It is unclear how much the current economic slowdown will affect this trend, but obviously the drop in housing prices will change some homeowners' plans. The good news is, of the people interviewed, not one person regretted his/her decision. My hope as an urban dweller is that the trend continues and that the renaissance that's taken hold will burgeon in the decades ahead.

As millions of baby boomers enter the empty nest age bracket, some city planners and demographers believe we could soon see an even greater influx of older, working adults into urban areas in the coming years, adding momentum to the resurgence already underway in many downtown areas.

More than in previous generations, boomers are more likely to be single as well as college-educated, making them more likely to be drawn to urban cultural attractions such as performing arts, museums and gourmet food.

For boomers that do make the move, there are a number of financial implications to consider. On the plus side, transportation costs are certain to decline since you can usually sell your car and get around on foot or by public transportation. But housing and food costs are likely to go up, as are local taxes.

It feels as if I'm paying homage to all the years that we've had together. Weekends will be very quiet when the last one is out of the house this fall. No matter how much I am looking forward to the freedom, I know that these moments will be missed. For 23 years I've organized my day around my children. I won't be getting up in the middle of the night or early morning to check my diabetic daughter's glucose levels to make sure she's safe to sleep in. Or staying up until 1:00 a.m. to make sure she's home by curfew. Instead I'll be worrying about her being away at college and wondering if she's okay.

Even when I was working long hours, my day was still focused on, or scheduled around, my children's needs. Empty nesting is definitely a time for reflection - a bit of sadness for what's over, the hope that we've done everything we can for them, and accepting that it's time for them to move on to the rest of their lives. It's a time to shed tears in sadness, joy and gratitude for everything they have been, are, and will be to us as budding adults. This Sunday I send a prayer for all of our children for safe and successful futures. I asked some other mothers what they were going to miss the most when their high school seniors go off to their respective colleges next year. My friend Robin has a junior at University of Colorado at Boulder, and her youngest heads out for Penn State in the fall. She said that passing by the kids' empty bedrooms every time she goes downstairs will be the toughest for her. She'll think of what it used to be like on the days they all slept in and the house was focused on family activities. Another friend, Liz, said she will miss the great music always coming out of her son's room and the two of them acting silly together. My friend Mindy's youngest is a sophomore at Wellesley, and while Mindy said it was quiet and kind of lonely with the kids gone, she also misses the bustle of having their friends around too. On the positive side, "the house is much neater, there isn't nearly as much laundry to do - I love that aspect of having them gone." Mindy now has a beautiful Golden Lab who she considers the latest addition to the family. We'll definitely talk about dogs as "kid replacements" in a future blog.

Jill, a friend from Colorado, found a great solution. When I asked her how she dealt with her youngest of three going off to school last year, she replied, "We were in a unique situation - we took the opportunity to move away ourselves when Danny left. It was actually really fun. We took a year and went back to school, which was a really good thing to do. We had a great time by completely changing our environment. So that was unusual, I think. by not going back to the same old home and missing him, it turned into a very positive thing." Jill's story is a good lesson in making plans for yourself as well and getting your future together before the kids head out.

OK, time to pull it together myself. My wisteria's in bloom, my friend's knocking at the door and it's time for a hike on this glorious day. It's a taste of the freedom to come. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

I would love to hear how you're feeling about empty nesting, how you're coping, and what you're doing to bring yourself comfort and joy.

At a recent workshop I held on Preparing for the Empty Nest, many questions came up around what parents could do in the final few months to best prepare their children for college. Everyone worried about their child's first year away. They wondered what's left for a parent to do to best prep their children for what is yet to come. All worried if their children would:

• Make friends or want to come home the first semester
• Survive academically, or lose that 3.0 GPA auto insurance discount
• Wake up in time to go to class, or should mom call every morning to make sure they're up
• Be able to stick to a budget within the boundaries agreed upon
• Be smart enough to avoid public intoxication and passing out, or if dad should install a video cam on the child's baseball cap or purse

And finally, most importantly, can they survive without mom and dad, and can we survive without them? But that's fodder for another article.

What's the Answer?

In general, you've had 17 - 18 years to teach your child ethics, behavior and the core values that you want to instill in their life. So they're "fully baked" in who they are. To avoid future friction, experts recommend that you sit down ahead of time and tell them what your expectations are. You know your child best, so figure out when's the best time and place for this discussion: over breakfast, skiing, family meeting, or perhaps in the middle of the night when they're most vulnerable.

If nothing else, it's important to cover financial expectations and responsibilities. Alison Salisbury from Fiscally Fit, who works with clients with college age children, told me about one client's daughter who was consistently overdrawn because she didn't understand that when she took cash out of the ATM, the balance might not account for the most recent charges or withdrawls Each overdraft cost approximately $35. It mounts up. Another mom had her overdraft protection connected to her college student's credit card. Suddenly the mother saw multiple charges at different gas stations in one day - turns out, the card had been stolen and her student "forgot" to tell her. These young adults need to understand the responsibilities and basics around banking and charge accounts. They also need to know what you will cover versus what they will be responsible for.

Here are other important areas to discuss:

• Laundry: Make sure they know how to run a washer and dryer! You'd be amazed how many new bright red t-shirts still make it in with the whites. Of course, tie dye is still popular on many campuses.
• Food: Teach them how to cook at least one basic meal, even if it's Top Ramen in a microwave. And yes, pizza is a complete food group and can be eaten for breakfast.
• Academically: What are your expectations, and how low can they go on the grade scale before there are ramifications from you as well as from their school.
• Social life: Discuss the risks and consequences of drug abuse (alcohol and pharmaceuticals), and the lovely refresher course on birth control - whatever method you support.
• Medically: Make sure that your child has had the hepatitis B vaccine, as well as Menactra - a newer vaccine for meningitis that is specific to the strain that appears to haunt the halls of college dormitories. Also, review what prescriptions they need to pick up on a regular basis, if any. It's also a good idea to look over the insurance offered through the school. Often it has a better policy for dealing with on-campus clinic needs, then your insurance works as a back-up. Also, it's useful to send a first aid kit.
• Weight wise: Warn your children about the dreaded "Freshman 15" -the 5- to 15-pound weight gain that many children experience during the first year or so of college. This might help encourage them to eat healthy, and to not get depressed if it happens - it's not something to stress over.
• Counseling: See what kind of counseling is offered at the school in case of problems with stress, depression, weight gain/loss, substance abuse or relationships. Best to be prepared in case it's needed.
• Packing up: Take a look at thier dorms "what to bring" list from their new school, and prepare them for what they can and can't fit in their new, small space. Everything on the floor at home will not fit in their new closet space.
• Communication: When will they be hearing from you and how often do you expect to hear from them? Clarify if you expect a four hour response on your text or voicemail, and what method you want them to use to contact you back. Remind them how quickly they respond to their friends and that you expect the same courtesy.

With any luck, you and your child will survive their first year with no major issues. Some get through it easier than others - but as a parent, it never hurts to be prepared. So give them a pat as they go out the door and keep an eye on them from afar. But just like baby birds, some take to flight easier than others. It's just a matter of time, as eventually they all learn to fly. Now we parents are free to spread our wings again and begin planning the next great adventures in our lives.